Edge of Reason…

Soooo I figured out years ago that I am Bridget Jones… awkward… chunky… cute as a button, horribly clumsy and predictably accident prone… Haitian… Bridget Jones.  Mind you when I first saw the movie… I watched it all through a decidedly horrified state… kind of like one would watch a car accident, I had mixed emotions… I felt sorry for her, angry at myself for seeing so many similarities between myself and a woman who was just… just… well… there really isn’t a nice way to put it.  She was just sad…. pathetic really.

I started taking stock of my life and discovered I didn’t much care for the person I caught looking at me every time I looked in a mirror.  She was mean spirited, cautious, angry, and on a sure course to becoming bitter.  I didn’t like her very much. Add to that the decidedly ‘Jones’ ish attributes and I was past the realm of disgusted with myself.

I sat down and identified the things about my life I wanted to change… the things I NEEDED to change, and so my journey began.  Who has time to be angry ALL of the time!? Not this one. Who has the energy to be concerned with the things people think… the things they say ALL of the time?! Not this one. Who has time to worry about the things they haven’t done, the places they haven’t gone and a love probably never to be realized ALL of the time?! Not this one.

So I took the steps necessary to change my life.  DISCIPLINE!!!  With food, my attitude, opinions and life. It may sound like a small thing… but I grew up in a house where discipline in the afore mentioned areas was nonexistent. I’d never been a perfectionist but I decided then and there I’d work to be the most perfect version of Nova I could possibly be.

Tonight I sip my cocktail concoction (Neapolitan ice cream, Irish cream liquor, and Vodka) watching Bridget Jones the Edge of Reason… laughing my azz off…  Yes… I am definitely a variation of Bridget Jones. Vulnerable, silly, quirky, honest, awkward and beautiful Bridget Jones, let’s face it… Renee Zellweger is a cutie… reminds me of cotton candy and puppies (shrugs)  I could do a lot worse lol.

I treat people the way I want to be treated. Give them respect up front and surprise them with laughter. I’m still mean spirited deep down… lol and I pray on it every day…  Every Day people… EVERY DAY!!
I’m still cautious… but I realize that a little bit of caution can be a life saver. I just choose not to mislabel caution for fear. I’m afraid like everyone else… I just choose not to be crippled by it. As for the bitterness that was sneaking up on me.  Why bother?  My hurts are not more important than anyone else’s, my joys are. I’d rather be happy with myself than killing myself to please other people.

I changed my life course 5 years ago. I was definitive in the course of action I wanted to take for the past 3 years, embraced my silent lesbian… YES LESBIAN.  I came out to my friends, my family, blah blah blah. Watching my mom struggle with it to this very day is hard. It will always be hard. Every girl wants her mother to see her as a woman she can be proud of.  While my mom loves me… with this… I can’t say proud comes to her mind. My friends and even my sister were all supportive… not really surprised at all but VERY supportive.

I figured out that women are just as hurtful as men. Just as mean, just as superficial, demanding, unresponsive and ungrateful, but I think it’s the irrational, unreasonable and unforgiving that gives me the most pause.  I’m watching this intelligent, beautiful woman tell BRIDGET JONES how much she loves her. SMH… OF COURSE she does!!! Who wouldn’t? I discovered something new about myself.  I’m perfectly lovable for the ones worth MY love. Confused?  So was I for a long time LMAO!

I have people tell me all of the time ‘You’re so much happier since you became a lesbian’.  To them I say you are mistaken, I’m just happy.  I made a lot of life choices all at once.  It wasn’t any one thing in particular that turned the tide. I just wanted to KNOW myself… to LOVE myself… whether or not anyone else did. I’m not perfect… just a work of art, a work in progress really… but you have to respect the artist. God doesn’t make mistakes. :-p

SO I’ve adopted the ‘f*ck it’ attitude, I help folks where I can but steer away from their drama… after all I have my own problems. LOL. Side bar about my weight, I read something awesome the other day… “I’ve finally figured out my body type… I’m an Hour Glass with Extra Minutes.” YESSSSSSS! Truer words were never spoken.

My niece asked me recently, “Auntie Sam… do you think you’ll ever get married” to which I replied “I don’t know, but even if I don’t I plan on living my life. I will do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do. Life is too short to wait for someone or something that MIGHT happen.” So I’m working on my credit… paying my bills… and looking at houses.  I have 3 cat’s, 1 dog and a pretty Beta Fish named Magick (Work in progress remember?) Lol .While I have an abundance of love to give to someone else I think loving myself is just as important. After all if I don’t love me… who will?

So I’ve rambled… on and on… something I haven’t done in a big long while. VERY therapeutic… lol. Wow its after midnight… and Bridezilla’s is on. CRAZY chicks getting MARRIED!!! Lol, yeah… all of those grooms DESERVE everything they get. Sooo many people choose misery wrapped up in a gorgeous face and a bangin body. it’s just funny to see it all play out. Sorry, guilty pleasure SMH don’t judge me…

 

Well folks this variation of a chocolate caramel dipped Bridget Jones is signing off, sooooo ,much to do in the coming weeks!! Thank God for Chocolate and Vodka.

 

– Nova :-*