Author: Admin
Sunday’s Good Morning…
This morning I got up early and went for a swim… I needed to clear my head. What I intended to be a quick swim turned into an hour… Two… Three. She was asleep when I left the room, how I envied her that… Sleep. Last night I sat at the window looking out at the ocean… Watching the moon move across the sky as the waves crashed against the side of our cruise ship…
Listening to the sound of her light breathing. No rest for the weary. As I finally climbed out of the pool I looked up at the sky… No clouds anywhere… Its probably approaching noon. I stood under the poolside shower rinsing off contemplating the possibility of her being awake and shrugged… Most likely she was still asleep. This was her first vacation in a long time, and she fought me on it… Reluctant to leave the stresses of her job as usual. Shaking my head I decide to visit the sauna I strip and wrap a towel around my body and sit down on the high bench…the extreame heat instantly drenching me in a light sheen of sweat. I take one deep breath… Two… Three… Inhaling the steam rising from the heated coals in the corner… And finally feel the tension draining from my body.
Its probably over… Our relationship… I had hoped this trip would remind us of our love for each other… Maybe rekindle our passion.. At the very least remind us we were once friends. We haven’t touched each other in months. I breathe in deeply… The steam settling my nerves… Purging my system of all thought. My eyes close as I begin the steps to meditation. Inhale… Collect all unsettling thoughts. Exhale… Purge. Inhale… Collect all tensions. Exhale… Purge. Inhale… I miss her. Exhale… I’m losing her. Then I have it… That moment of crystal clarity. My mind is blissfully blank… And finally… Peace. I sit this way for a time… Silent… Still… Mind in a rare state of quiet. I breathe in the hot air… Feel the moisture slide down my face… My arms… My neck… My breasts, Suddenly I sense I’m not alone. My eyes remain closed as I focus on my breathing… I want more than anything to hold onto the peace for a little while longer. Inhale… Breathe in her scent. Exhale… Release the peace with some regret. I open my eyes and she stands there… Watching me. Her expression tired and possibly predatory. I know that look. Something is either on her mind to hash out… Or she wants me.
I sigh and pat the bench next to me… She doesn’t want me anymore… So we would hash it out. She sits instead to my right on the bench below me and pulls her knees up to her chest. She’s wearing an over-sized bathrobe that makes her look like a child… Adorable. “how did you know where to find me?” I ask. She quickly swipes at the sweat gathering on her forehead and says “you mentioned the sauna last night.” ahh… So she was paying attention for once, “I woke up and you weren’t there…” and there it was… An old argument. I watched her face closely, trying to figure out what type of conversation this was going to be. These days she spoke at me… Like one would a dimwitted child. Oh how I hate that… And she knows it. I close my eyes and focus on the rise and fall of her voice… Lightly accusatory, but no condescension, “I couldn’t sleep, I was restless and didn’t want to wake you.” I said quietly “You used to be able to sleep with me…” she whispered so low I almost didn’t hear it. My eyes snapped open and I searched her face, “you used to reach for me.” I answered just as low. She sighed and took a deep breath, hugging her knees. “You used to reach for me too,” she answered. I watched her for a time, face flushed from the heat… Eyes alert. “I used to feel safe.” I answered. Her face changed then… Suddenly she was angry… “I used to feel like your hero,” she growled back. Now I was confused, “you never stopped being my hero.” I quickly responded. Her lips curled in the way they do when she doesn’t believe what someone is telling her. “You don’t talk to me anymore…” she ground out, definitely accusatory. “You talk to me like I’m stupid.” I answer simply. Her face is priceless… Eyes suddenly round as saucers, “Baby I don’t think you’re stupid. You know I don’t think you are stupid” she denied softly. “I know you don’t think it… But you talk to me like you do…” I answer just as softly.
We sit in silence for a time. We both believe apologies are mostly useless… Its the act.., the behavior that needs to be corrected. “I guess sometimes… It feels like you think you’re smarter than me…” she whispered, resting her cheek on her knees, looking away from me. Hmm… This is news to me. I lean forward and slide my hand into her hair. “Baby… You are the most brilliant person I know.” I whisper in her ear. She gives a surprised laugh, then turns her face on her knees to face me as she grabs my hand, “You must know some ignorant people then…” she says smiling. I smile back and say, “You keep me on my toes… And yes… I do know some ignorant folks.” She kisses the palm of my hand and looks up at me… With an expression of such longing it steals all the breath from my lungs. It feels like forever since she looked at me like this. “Baby, I miss you…” I whisper… Barely audible… My eyes blurred with sudden tears. She’s quiet for a time… Watching me closely. I look away and I try to pull my hand away suddenly feeling vulnerable… Exposed. She holds on tight, “I miss you too,” she says… Her voice breaking. My head whips around to look at her, my eyes moving over this face I know as well as my own. I love this woman so much it hurts. Her eyes shine with unshed tears as well. Shaking my head I whisper “I’m right here…” Her nostrils flare and her eyes darken…taking on that predatory glow… Hmm… Could it be she wants me?
I sit up and she watches me… Like a wolf with prey… Her eyes following a bead of sweat as it slides down my neck… Over my collar bone… And finally between my breasts.., and my breath quickens, Suddenly I’m wet… And wanting. “Come here…” she grinds out… not a request… A demand. The instant instinct to wrap myself around her in response… But I pause. “Baby…” she says steel in her voice now, no longer a demand… Now a warning.. my pussy throbs in response. I stay put, indecisive… It can’t be that simple… Can it? A misunderstanding… A small conversation… And suddenly she wants me again? Skepticism takes over me and I sit back. Unwilling to bend to her will. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I don’t believe she really wants me. She makes a sound, guttural and low… The kind an animal makes before charging… And suddenly she is standing… her hands on my face. “Look at me!” definitely a command… One I can’t ignore. I open my eyes and look into hers… We are inches apart… She’s flushed… And I ache for her She leans closer to me and I breathe in her scent. Then her lips are on mine… Demanding, relentless.,. And our tongues dance in a way they haven’t for a long long time. Her lips never leaving mine she presses herself between my thighs… Pulling my towel away. Her hands reach up to flick my nipples and I moan in surprise, wrapping my legs around her waist… Pulling her closer to me. Her robe has fallen open and I glory in the feel of her skin slick with sweat…. Rubbing against mine. Her hand slowly slides down my body toward my hip… The sound of a nearby door closing and approaching footsteps break the spell for me. I wrench my lips from hers gulping in air as she rests her forehead against mine. She is breathing heavily when I ask her, “Do you want to go for a swim?” She closes her eyes and steps back trying to regain control. I quickly wrap the towel around myself as the door opens. Her back is to the door and she watches me… Eyes hot.., biting her lip and nods as she ties her robe. We make our way to the locker room and change into swim suits… In silence.., careful not to touch.
I rush ahead and dive into the pool, hoping it will cool me off and provide clarity. I swim to the edge… The deeper end and surface… Leaning back against the edge I wipe water out of my eyes. She’s suddenly there in front of me… I never even heard her get into the pool. She braces both arms around me and I’m trapped. Her lips meet mine again, this time with a bruising intensity. My arms and legs wrap around her in need. She stands in front of me and plunges her hands down into the water… Down over my hips… Taking my bikini bottoms with them. Ohh… And there it is… Her hands on my heated flesh… Her fingers roll around my clit and I am suddenly blinded by a wave of need so great my heart skips a beat.Her fingers slide over my slick center and suddenly she’s inside of me… One finger… Two… Gliding in and out so fast I can’t catch my breath… Three… Then four… Oh no… Oh no… “Daddy…” I pant out… I’m begging now… Begging her to stop… Or keep going… I’m not sure. Then she’s inside me… Her hand… Up to the wrist… I moan long and deep… My body shudders wildly as she Slides in… Then out… In then out… Rubbing on that sweet spot that starts an instant flood over her fingers. My pussy clenches as I’m forced to ride her hand.
She pulls her lips from mine and buries her face in my neck… Teeth nipping at the tender skin there. My nails claw into her back as she turns her hand a fraction and slides out… I moan in response. Her hand turns another fraction and slides in… Rubbing that sweet spot… And I moan… Low… As my body flies apart around her. My head snaps back… My nails dig deeper into her back as my pussy clenches… Sliding in… Turn… my pussy gushes around her… Moan… Hers this time… Not mine. The sound she makes sends me over the edge… And I come in a never ending wave… violently… Overwhelmed with tears in my eyes…”Daddy please!” I scream and she shudders on a long moan… Sliding in…. Turn… Her lips find mine again. Demanding… Needy… Sliding out… Turn… My pussy is on fire. “Look at me…” she moans… I’m panting now… Trying to regain some balance… Oooh it feels so good. “Look… At… Me!” a command this time… And I look into her eyes. Slide in… Harder… “I love you.” she pants heavily. Slide out… Turn… Rubbing that sweet spot, “I love you Daddy…” I pant… Slide in… Harder… “Damn… I can’t.., I’m sorry…” she moans… slide out…. Turn… “Mmm… Daddy..” I moan back… She nips at my shoulder and growls… “God I’ve missed this… Being inside you.” slide in… “Daddy please… Please… PLEASE!” I writhe against her… Clenching… slide out. “Oh God… I love you…” slide in… hard… “I love you… I love you” another gush.., and my pussy greedily throbs around her and I shatter into a million pieces all over again… And she moans as her body is wracked with sensation. And then she kissed me… Our lips coming together with a bruising intensity… Mmmmy body lay limp… She kissed my face… The sweet spot on my neck… Her teeth nipping my skin. My breath was ragged as I felt the slight flex of her shift deep inside of me… My nails involuntarily digging into her back. “Daddy….” I moaned… Long and soft…. Mmm… And she started moving again… And my pussy pulsed in time to her rhythm.. A new gush slicking her finger as sensation engulfed me in waves…. I guess we were making up for lost time.
– Nova
Mutual…
So I’ve met someone…
She’s an intellectual… razor sharp brilliance… quick wit… silly sense of humor… and a sing song voice with an accent that washes over you like cool mist on hot summer day. SMH makes me want to push her up against a wall.
She tells me “You are beautiful” and she means it… really means it… changed my perspective. I tend to tune this out… people say it as easily as “Hello”. It has no real meaning anymore… no real value… but when its said by someone who believes it… when its heartfelt… a healing takes place… a healing you weren’t even aware of needing.
She accepts me as I am… no questions asked… no requirements… the only expectation being honesty and genuine affection…she’s reshaped my thinking. I’m putting in the work to be the best possible version of myself. She’s pleased with me as I am… and cheering on whatever progress I strive to make.
So I’ve met her … someone who thinks I’m lovely… smart… spiritual… inspirational… the possibilities are endless…
An intellectual… we talk about everything… and nothing… and when she laughs… my spirit takes flight. I never realized how important that was to me… the ability to make a lover LAUGH. So I try to do it well… and often… hmmm… make that woman laugh.
She tells me “You are beautiful” and she means it… really means it… when I was heavier… she didn’t mind it… while I’m losing weight… she’s supportive. No expectations… no requirements. I never realized that was important… someone who could look at me… and see me… really see me… past the hair… makeup… heels and yes past the weight… a lover who sees me … all of me… and just… WANTS ME… come what may.
She accepts me as I am… now this… this is new… I’ve never looked for this before in a potential love. ACCEPTANCE… she makes me feel like she’s wrapped around me… ready to comfort… ready to defend… ready for anything. It’s amazing.
She’s different … different from anyone I’ve met… different from what I’m used to and She’s analyzing everything… lol now that is a comfort… good to know I’m not the only one being watchful.
Everything has a beginning… and we never know what the end will bring… either way… I’m glad I met her… and her timing is poetic.
I’m being cautious… and taking things one day at a time… and I like her…. She says the feeling is mutual. She tells me she appreciates me… I touch her spirit… and I tell her… the feeling is mutual.
Thank you SM
– Nova
Dancing in the Rain…
When we lived in Florida (Hurricane central) the thunderstorms were brutal… heavy rain… heavy lightening… and I would always ended up outside during the craziest storms. My mom thought I was nuts and I was ALWAYS in trouble for it. One weekend we went to an Indian reservation (still in Florida I think it was the Seminole Tribe) an old toothless woman took one look at me over a barrel of jewelry pointed her finger in my face and said “Oh child… you… (wagging her finger in my face) YOU are a Rain Walker!”
Where the love affair began: when we lived in Queens (where I was born)… my sister left me alone with them one summer… with my parents. It was one of those odd times between relatives staying with us. I’m not sure how old I was… I just know it was sometime after 5 and before 9 years of age. I spent that summer alone… bored and entertaining myself. I had imaginary friends… Dukes of Hazard and Woody Woodpecker were my favorite shows (Woody was my first husband by the way lol) and I explored our yards… front… back and side.
She was spending the summer at a friend’s older sister’s house (and her husband). Thinking on it now that in and of itself was odd… considering my mom never let us go ANYWHERE, but she didn’t mind these visits… it wasn’t the first time my sister went. Someplace deep in Spring Valley (Upstate New York)… Someplace far away from my parents… someplace far away from me. You see back in those days we didn’t get along my sister and I… AT ALL. She didn’t get along well with my dad either… which I think is the real reason my mother agreed to these extended visits. I think she wanted some peace in the house even if it was only for a little while… and those two? My dad and my sister? They fought and fought and fought like cats and dogs… my sister and I fought and fought and fought… like wild animals… smh you would think the world was coming to an end.
So picture this… my dad was low key (very). He was rarely home… he just made it a point to make it in time for dinner. My mom would lock herself in her room all day and read… and read… and read… I believe this is where my affection for books started… standing quietly in the doorway of my parent’s bedroom watching ‘the most beautiful woman in the world’ (because that’s what moms are to their children) sitting up in bed… glasses perched on the edge of her nose… reading a book. So I entertained myself. These were the days prior to cell phones… the internet… and Facebook. My source for all things fun and adventurous was… wait for it… GOING OUTSIDE!!! Ha! Imagine that. I did EVERYTHING… I would sneak around the block… into neighbors yards… pet peoples dogs… play with strays… climb trees… climb the rain gutters onto the roof… dig up worms… make mud pies… ride my bike… play hop scotch… jump rope… fight with the neighborhood boys…sit on the front steps… watch cartoons (Silver Spoons, Punkie Brewster oh the list goes on and on) climb in and out of the side window… harass the other people who lived in the house (it was a three family home) … pretty much anything I could think of… anything that I could DREAM of. I was a GOONIE! Fearless and curious… and mischievous and FUN. The template for all children… at least back then.
The rain started one sunny afternoon… we had a stretch of more than a week of weather of 90 degrees. I remember the grass was beginning to scorch and the branches of ‘Mr. Magick Tree’ (also known as the huge tree at the side of the house) were turning hard and brittle… most unsuitable for climbing. I was tying a rope to a high branch on the tree… I had an idea… I was making a swing. Lord was I excited… funny what excites a little mind. I remember clearly looking upward, standing on my tippy toes reaching high above me trying to tie a knot… and the rain started… catching me right in the eyes. The heavens opened up and God let loose on the summer. There hadn’t been any reports of rain and when the sudden storm started the sun was still shining. Those are the weirdest… heavy rain in sunshine and no clouds.
My little foot slipped as I tried to wipe the water from my eyes. I hugged the tree trunk close while I looked out over our neighborhood; the house across the street had been painted white the day before… from yellow to a bright white. I was fascinated. All of my adventures were technically on my block… I would go all the way around from one end… to the other. I hadn’t graduated to crossing the street yet. I was still afraid of the cars… big zooming monsters that could smash my little self like a bug. I would make my way over there… eventually.
I listened to an unseen dog barking in the distance and sighed… the day was a bust… time to go in and watch TV. So I shimmied my way down the tree trunk being extra careful as the rain made everything slick and hard to grasp. I was reckless lol but I didn’t want to fall out of that tree (I wasn’t supposed to be in… in the first place) and wind up having my mom beat my azz. The climb felt like it took forever… I only realized I was holding my breath when my feet touched the ground. As I steadied myself I looked up at the tree… the rope/unfinished swing and sighed… now this was a storm. As I turned to head back into the house the thunder started.
It rained like that for 2 weeks. I remember going mad cooped up in the house, my mother refused to let me play outside “Its RAINING!!! YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT THERE TO GET SICK!!” she would screech at the top of her lungs as only a mother can lol. That felt like the longest 2 weeks of my little life. The sky had darkened to a perpetual dark gunmetal grey… the sun was nowhere to be found. Some days thunder and lightning… other days just thunder… other days just lightning… but most days… just heavy rain.
We were all going stir crazy. My dad had started coming home earlier due to the weather… and this annoyed my mom to no end. I remember how her lips would pucker and she would look at the clock grumbling under her breath when he started that lol. On this one day in particular he walked into the house glassy eyed… (who am I kidding he looked a lil crazy… just a lil bit lol) and demanded to know where dinner was. This of course irritated my mom… as he was interrupting her reading… something I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO DO. So we sat down to dinner… early.
“Where is your bathing suit?” my dad asked me around a mouth full of food. “In my room Papi,” I answered hesitantly… with my dad you could never be sure if it was a trick question or not. “Go put it on” he said around a new mouthful of food. I looked over at my mom; she just shrugged and rolled her eyes. So I got up and walked out of the kitchen… “You too…” I heard him say to my mom as I raced to my room… we never kept my dad waiting. When I emerged from my room a few minutes later my mom was waiting for me by the back door… in her bathing suit… with a shower cap on her head. “Come here.” She said opening a fresh package as I made my way over to her. She placed a brand new shower cap on my head just as my dad came out of their bedroom… wearing swim trunks.
My dad went into the bathroom and came back out carrying towels and 2 bars of soap. “Papi? What are you doing?” I asked him shyly… that’s how I talked to my dad… shyly… very quietly kind of like you would to a wild animal you were concerned about spooking. My dad was easily spooked and turned mean whenever he was. He started laughing and dancing in place “We are going to take a bath in the rain!” He announced while opening the back door. I looked up at my mom who was standing right beside me… again she shrugged and just rolled her eyes… but as I realized I would be OUTSIDE!!!! In the RAIN! I was suddenly excited… and in the ways of children my body vibrated with it and I smiled… and smiled… and smiled.
So we went single file down the steps toward the door that lead outside… and my dad placed the towels on the bottom step, handed a bar of soap to my mom and broke the other one in half handing me the smaller piece. “Ready?” he asked and as I nodded excitedly he threw open the back door and began his crazy laugh that always made me giggle,”Ha … ha… ha… hiiii! Ha… ha… ha… hi!” smh thinking back on it now I believe that man was one crayon short of a whole set. We stood there briefly looking out into the storm.
It was mid-day… dark… overcast… warm with high winds and we scattered. My dad went left my mom and I went right. I ran around the yard happily… so excited to finally be back outside. I slid in the grass… rolled around… belly flopped into puddles… the works. Then I looked for my parents. Both of them were standing under rain gutters at opposite ends of the yard, soap in hand… just washing away. So I looked for another gutter… this one was tucked close to ‘Mr. Magick Tree’ and I stood under the deluge. The water was cold… relentless and took my little breath away.
I took that bar of soap and began scrubbing… I watched as the mud, leaves and grass fell away from my little body. I jumped up and down… I broke out into song… I was HAPPY. In the midst of that happiness I looked out at our neighborhood wondering if we were being watched (and not caring in the way children don’t lol). I stood under that cold spray and breathed in the rain… this felt right… like coming home. I bent at the waist and looked for my parents… both still immersed in their own private waterfall… that’s what it felt like… our private storm… and our private waterfalls.
This is my most cherished memory of my parents together. They weren’t warm and fuzzy together… to be honest they barely got along… but on THIS day… we did something together… something FUN. With no arguments… no yelling… no walking on egg shells… and most importantly ME not getting SMACKED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD (as dear old dad was want to do). This is something I know I want to do with my future children… play in the rain… as a family. To wrap them in my love… wrap them in God’s love and wrap them in the love of their other parent. That’s what rain has always been for me… a physical manifestation of God’s love. *shrugs* (yes I know I’m a weirdo lol)
That was the first time… or the first memory I have of feeling a complete and perfect peace. Rain still does that for me… till this day I will go sit out on the back steps during a rain storm… sometimes with a glass of wine… sometimes something else ;-). Sometimes I go for a walk… most times Ely is with me… some not. Feels like a communion… practically the only times I feel like God is speaking directly to my spirit. I’ve laughed in the rain… cryed in the rain… kissed in the rain… danced in the rain… and I’ve loved every minute of it.
– Nova
Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days…
Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like
This world’s gone crazy
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn’t seem so hazy
Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress
But I just don’t know
And Grandpa, let’s wander back into the past
And paint me the picture
Of long ago
Did lovers really fall in love TO STAY
And stand beside each other COME WHAT MAY?
Was a promise really something people kept…
Not just something they would say AND THEN FORGET?
Did families really BOW THEIR HEADS TO PRAY?
Did daddies really NEVER GO AWAY?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Words and Music by Jamie O’Hara
“One of my favorites. This says sooooo much smdh…” – Nova
Effect…
So yesterday was an 18 hour day… 7 of which was shooting for Tru Diva and Art of Curves. A loooong day. Running around doing make up, hair, getting styled, poked, primped, prodded, gushed over, felt up, propositioned, barked at… time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
As sick as I am (damned sinus infection) I was bouncing off the walls. Up since 5AM a little weary… but full of energy. I haven’t modeled in a couple of years… got caught up in the day job and the nonsense of everyday life *shrugs* it happens. Sense memory is a hell of a thing… around 2PM, when everyone was running around ‘HAIR’…. And getting frustrated ‘MAKEUP’… and shouting orders ‘THOSE AREN’T THE EARRINGS WE WANT! WHERE ARE THE EARRINGS’… I closed my eyes.
As I stood there standing perfectly still… arms out as one set of hands moved my hair this way… then that way, as another set of hands shifted the clothes this way… then that way, as yet another set of hands slid my 6 “ gold gladiator sandals from London onto my feet, as another set of hands draped chains across my body, as a buffer brush was used to polish the make up on my face. I listened to the numerous questions, grumblings, demands and statements around me and I was taken back to my very first photo shoot… 2004… 9 years ago… wow.
Back then I was curious… didn’t really know what to do… awkward… and EXCITED lol. In that moment yesterday I was taken back to that perfect memory… the sounds (the same)… the sights (the same)… the scents (the same)… the emotions (the same). It felt like I was home. A feeling I get when writing… when cooking… when surrounded by friends… when surrounded by family… when wrapped in my loves arms (smh she gives great hugs *sigh*)… when playing with Ely and Ivan… or when taking something apart, figuring out how it works and putting it back together again. I was HOME.
The day swept by fairly quickly… shooting for two different campaigns and updating my portfolio… we didn’t stop to eat… drink some water… wardrobe change… drink some ginger ale… makeup change… drink some more water… hair style change… drink some more ginger ale… set change. Time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
When I laid down on a bed of fur for the last set of shots… I’m relieved… we are almost done. TIME CHECK! 4:02 PM… the photographer hands me his camera as I’m sitting on the ground (on that awesome bed of fur lol) and I go through the days frames… Some are good… Some are great… some are awful lol and some are amazing… it’s the most perfect moment of the day… I’m filled with satisfaction (we got the job done)… with peace… (I made it through the day without falling over lol)… and with the overwhelming urge to call her (a need to share this perfect moment with her).
Of all the people in my life to think of… to call… to want to reach out to… smh I think of her. WTF… and as usual I’m filled with an overwhelming sadness (I miss her) and my eyes tear up.. “That’s a wrap PEOPLE!!” someone shouts and we all break out into smiles, whooping and applause. “FOOD!” I hear from the back of the studio as I hand the photographer back the camera and rise from that awesome bed of fur. A bittersweet end to an awesome day… because I can’t call her. I can’t share these moments with her. I can’t NEED her anymore… not to listen… not to be there… not to help… not to share my problems or important events in my life. No… I need to heal… to grow and to be at peace with myself, with her and with my role in my heartbreak. Maybe we can talk tomorrow… or the day after. She’ll always own a private corner in my heart… and my spirit will remain restless until the day I can reach out… I accept that maybe she’ll be receptive and maybe she wont *sigh*. All I know is I need to be a better person for myself and a better friend for her. I’m just not there yet (some insane compulsion to hug her close and kiss her face smh… I’ll get over it lol).
My friends Erin, Craig, Blacque and Nadiyah were there for me. Erin helping when requested and getting kicked off the set throughout the day lol “You are SEXY! I can’t be responsible for my actions when we get home tonight!” and “OOOOH you make loooooove to the camera! Go head mama!” SMH a mess lol. Craig running around upon request… Blacque in charge of set design… the pictures… and concepts… and Nadiyah working with the styling. I stood there… in my bra and boy shorts… looking out at everyone in the midst of packing up the days chaos and I was filled with a sense of peace. There is LOVE in this room.
And I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks… closed my eyes and thanked God for the gifts in my life. I have the most amazing people in my life and I am twice blessed, thrice blessed (hmm how do you say 4 times blessed?) lol because everyone I’ve loved… friends, family, lovers… has been a wild assortment of the most exceptional people I’ve ever met. My heart may make take foolish risks… but never foolish choices. Every joy… every pain… every smile… every tear… has brought me to this moment. They’ve all made me better and they’ve made me stronger. There are moments of crystal clarity in every person’s life … defining moments. Dark days are coming for my family… and I’m going to need all the strength I can get. So yes… I love my loves… all of them… and having been blessed with them as my touch stones… YES… I’m thankful.
Next stop… the runway! SMH Oh how I hate runway lol… but I’ll make it work ;-). Now… If I can just manage to figure out how NOT to make myself sick when miserable or stressed I’ll be perfect. Hmmm… now where are those antibiotics lol? :-*
– Nova
The Scale…
This morning I woke up lighter than air… relieved… released… and all things fell into place. I had a hard weekend… starting on Friday morning bright and early when I received an email from an ex. Not just any ex but the most recent. She had a lot to say, beginning with expressing concern for the things going on with me and my family… ending with her letting me know she read my ‘SHE’S FAT’ blog and questioning whether or not I love myself and pointing out I make clear and wrong choices regarding the people I choose to date. I cried over this letter… it was heartfelt, painful to read, made some valid points and had parts that were just soooo wrong.
You cannot control the perception people have of you and you can’t dictate how they’ll HEAR something you say, the meaning they take from your words. Ideas can be shared… it doesn’t mean the inspiration behind them can be identified and understood.
Despite the fact that I’m open and receptive to whatever comes, I take people at face value and I take their word on faith that they are not liars; the outcome is not always a positive one. Even though the experience may have been awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that EVERYONE I’ve dated has been a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.
The Ex in question I loved and I will always love. Was she the love of my life? No (at least not at the time). Could she be? Who knows? The point is we ARGUED… ALOT… almost DAILY, about everything and nothing. She brought out the worst in me in a way I can’t even put my finger on. Yet I have love for her. So does that just go away because things didn’t work out? Does that go away because we rarely see eye to eye on anything? I had a lengthy convo with this same EX and somehow it turned into an argument (or maybe debate, depending on your perspective). She doesn’t want me to become bitter or cynical and she let me know in no uncertain terms what her opinion is of my most recent experience.
“If you love someone you don’t hurt them. That girl has no love for you. She never cared about you. She was kicking game for 3 months… I know… I’ve done it. Getting to know you was just to f*ck, she never had any intention to be serious. I know… I’ve done it. She was kicking game to the next one…and is probably kicking game to a new one now… I know I’ve done it. So what… if even though you are not what she wants… she says you are important to her? She’s just spitting more game, I know… I’ve done it. So what… if she sent you something she says is personal… something she claims is meaningful to her? She’s probably lying… people lie about stuff like that all the time.”
SMH… but don’t be cynical or bitter? If I think like this I’ll BECOME cynical and bitter. Loved ones hurt each other EVERY DAY… friends… family… lovers, but the ‘hurt’ part does not negate the ‘love’ part. I don’t know… I think my concept of love is different. I believe understanding is love… so I try to understand my loved ones… even when nothing makes sense. I love so I accept people for who they are… even when they show me their ugly side. I love so I forgive… even if it still hurts. Love has no expectations… love has no requirements… love has no conditions…people do.
It’s been said ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. I’ve tried to live and be fearless in this area of my life. I’ve had bad moments, I’ve been hurt, used, abused, neglected, forgotten, disrespected and labeled irrelevant and disposable… and still I love. ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. Family has hurts me, friends have hurt me and lovers have hurt me… and still I love. I can reflect back on the time I spent with people and smile at the memory of the good times, and sigh at the memory of the bad ones and still I love. You were too young for me and the distance was unbearable… but I still love. Argue… argue… argue, never agree on anything… but I still love. I treated you well, we were supposed to be friends and you stole my sh*t… but I still love. I gave you love, respect and loyalty in all areas but you not only loved another… my azz was too big for you… but I still love.
People go back and forth on the distinction of ’being IN love’ and ‘loving’ someone. They fail to realize it all comes from the same pool. Loving friends and family just IS… or is supposed to be. We get to know them as people and we may not LIKE them so much… but we love them. Lovers run a parallel course… and due to the fact that most people have no self-respect, give no respect and treat each other like crap… people need to ‘fall in love’ which in 2013 has become another way to say;
“Earn it.”
“What can you do to deserve it?”
SMH… we’ve turned the most natural thing in the world (loving another person) into one long, exhausting and painful job interview.
Life is all about balance…
Bitter… Sweet…
Good… Evil…
Right… Wrong…
Black… White…
Chaos… Peace…
Love… Apathy…
Hate… Apathy…
Love is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; fondness and affection just to start. The only possible opposite is the complete lack of emotion. Hate is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; dislike and loathing just to start. It’s funny how people assume the opposite of Love is Hate. For me to stop loving you I’d have to feel nothing. I’m not sure what wave length the rest of the world is operating on… but I can’t switch my emotions of and on… like so many do.
I woke up this morning and my spirit was at peace. I am loved. Maybe not always the way I want… maybe not always the way I need but I am loved. I’m thankful for my most recent experience. She taught me to love another person despite themselves. She taught me to put in every last bit of effort in me to try to help her FEEL better… to try to help her DO better and to try to help her LET GO of past situations that made her miserable. I’ve never fought so hard for another person, desperately wanting (despite everything) for them to just BE SAFE and to just BE HAPPY at the end of the day. I offered her the world (or at least mine) and she didn’t want it. I gave her everything that was in me to give… and she gave me nothing, (insert smile here) and still I love. She made me a better person.
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t enjoy pain, and I don’t enjoy having my heart put in a meat grinder. It is a bitter pill to swallow when the one you love best… doesn’t feel the same way. It’s the most painful thing in the world when that person has no respect for you and could care less when they hurt you. It’s crippling when they move on as though nothing happened… and your heart in the meat grinder is of no consequence to them… but they are lessons in life. I’m not bitter, or jaded, or even angry. I loved and it didn’t work… but I loved. How many people go their whole lives without ever feeling even the smallest little bit of what I felt for this person? I’m thankful for the experience and blessed to know I have that kind of capacity to love another person that much.
Life is all about balance…
Bitter… Sweet…
Good… Evil…
Right… Wrong…
Black… White…
Chaos… Peace…
Love… Apathy…
Hate… Apathy…
This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;
For all of the joy she gave me…
For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…
For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…
She also gave these things in equal measure…
Disregard… Disrespect… Disloyalty… No Love…and worse… I was disposable… *sigh*
Boy does that suck… it also doesn’t change the things she GAVE me.
Do I think she makes mistakes? Of course.
Do I think she has some major issues with herself? Of course.
Do I think she has f*cked up priorities? Of course.
Do I think she’s self absorbed? Of course.
Do I think she’s numb to the world? Of course.
Do I think she sabotages herself? Of course.
Do I think she believes I’m not up to her standards? Of course.
Do I think she values the wrong things? Of course.
Do I think I deserve better than her? Of course.
But…
This is just my personal truth. I guarantee you her version is different Part of love is acceptance, and I accept her flaws and all. I make mistakes… I have issues… I’ve had f*cked up priorities… I can be self absorbed… I want to be numb… I have sabotaged myself… I have standards… I’ve valued the wrong things… and SHE deserves better than ME.
*sigh* We are only human.
It’s the person who brings you peace in your most chaotic moments… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you laugh even while you’re crying… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you a priority no matter what… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you WANT to be BETTER for YOURSELF… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who WANTS to be BETTER for YOU… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who thinks you are the most beautiful, amazing creation… (God’s Gift… TO THEM) that you are meant to be with.
She was all of this for ME… sadly… I just wasn’t any of that for her. Now I ask you… if I love this person… and I believe I deserve all of these things… how can I possibly believe that she doesn’t?
So no… I don’t condone her behavior. While I respect her choices, I have no respect for her justifications for them… and oooooooh… I hate her, I really really do hate her (just a little bit) because SHE HURT ME… (hey I’m only human right? *shrugs*) and still I love.
Even though the experience was awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that she was a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.
This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;
For all of the joy she gave me…
For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…
For all of the ways she made me feel SAFE…
For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…
She also gave me wicked painful stuff… in equal and exhausting measure….
But it doesn’t hurt as much… when I remember THAT PART.
I’m a better woman DESPITE her and I’m a better woman BECAUSE of her.
She’s moved on… and I’ve let her go… but the way she taught me HOW to love? THAT? No… I’ll never let that go.
– Nova
*sigh* and there’s MORE?
So last month I found out my Uncle’s cancer is back… Instead of his colen this time its in his lungs. I’m making my way to see him hopefully this weekend.
So today I find out my mom may have early signs of Altzheimers smh… What do you do with that intel? I’m making arrangements to take her to get checked out myself… Considering my sister has not felt the need to keep me in the loop for some time now.
I need to get the fuck out of Jersey… Most everyone I care about is elsewhere…. so I need to be elsewhere… and ohhh am I learning the art of smoking myself numb… it actually works *shrugs*. Who knew? Lol
Life as we know it is about to change. *shrugs* Lord help me.
