Author: Admin
Yesterday’s Love…
You can’t go back… I knew that… but I had to FEEL it.
People change every day and their perception of you changes right along with them.
I can wrap myself in Yesterday’s love… but she isn’t IN love with me TODAY…
I can wrap her in Yesterday’s love… I’m not IN love with her TODAY…
It’s the knowing that makes the difference. She knows… and now so do I.
Yesterday will stay exactly that. Today… healing. Tomorrow? I don’t know yet.
For E (I’ll love you always… even when I shouldn’t)
– Nova
She’s FAT!
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose some weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this one you develop a thicker skin EARLY.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
SMH some develop serious body image issues… oh no…not me… I just developed a mental block. I was fat… but I was fine. My yearly physicals were always great, my quality of life wasn’t hindered blah blah blah… no real incentive to CHANGE anything.
September 2012 THAT changed.
My doctor happily reported SEVERAL different problems directly related to my having a fat azz. So I took a month to decide what I wanted to do. In October I started forming a plan to change my life… I am going to lose weight. My doctor’s goal… 100 lbs (which to me sounded unrealistic at the time). You have to take into consideration I was the HEAVIEST I’ve ever been n she wanted me to lose 100lbs? My big booty was never a hindrance to anything other than Gym class growing up. I was fully developed and shaped like a 25 year old by the time I was 13. I hated running because of all of the bouncing involved…but I hated JUMPING more…needless to say if it didn’t involve swimming or riding my bike? I was not interested.
100lbs… I had to really sit myself down and wrap my head around this number. Could I do it? (No Way). Should I do it? (Most definitely) So I started the process.
Going over my dating history I knew the extra pounds were a deterrent for some. A big ol azz is not necessarily a PREFERENCE, but… do I want those people in my life anyway? Growing up I was pretty much left to my own devices… no one monitored my eating habits. When the weight was officially out of hand I was badgered daily with the warm and fuzzy sentiments above. People still found me attractive (male and female)… and I believe I was 23 the very FIRST time someone used my weight to be insulting (to my face anyway). I learned early that I had to see and appreciate MY beauty (rolls and all) because the rest of the world probably wouldn’t.
So I started the process… I’ve even set a personal goal of 129lbs… I’m working on it… 35lbs down as of last week… and in the midst of coming to terms with the extra pounds I’ve been dragging around all these years I hear from a person that inspires LOVE in ME…”You are beautiful… you are amazing… you are everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman… but I could never be with you because of the weight. I found you attractive… I tried it… I’m not shallow… it’s just a preference. I love you… you’re an amazing person… but I can’t do it. Honestly? 100lbs is not enough for me… 129lbs would probably still not be enough.”
*sigh* We teach our daughters that ‘Happily Ever After’ exists… Little girls are spoon fed ‘Love Conquers All’ practically from the womb… What do you do to prepare a woman for something like that? It’s body fat… not the end of the world. So a woman that believes her pussy is mass transit ‘everybody get’s a ride’ can inspire a deep abiding love? A woman that repeatedly disrespects you… can inspire an urge to COMMIT yourself to her… even though she’s made it clear… that you inspire no such urge in her? A woman that sabotages you… whenever she sees you making any form of progress that does not involve her… that woman? She’s the object of your devotion? The source for your affection? Oh wait… she’s not fat. OK.
When the truth was finally starting to come out I flipped out. A lover… someone I loved… someone whose opinion actually MATTERED to me… found me repulsive… because of this weight. Weight I had already decided to get rid of… weight I was actively shedding. How ironic is that? Frustrating… *sigh* ironic nonetheless. I still love her… I hate her guts (a small part of me probably always will) but she’s a good person, deserving of all of those things she wants in her life… including a size 0 bed buddy… so I’ll get it over it.
I keep this sign above my monitor at work “Lord Help Me the Devil wants me FAT!” and I think it would be soooo easy to fall into old patterns, but I won’t… because I started losing the weight for myself… not for her. I don’t think getting on the scale will ever be the same. Something that wasn’t torn before is in shreds in the background and while I forgive HER (for her foolishness) I’ll never forgive that. A person’s sense of self-worth is a deceptively fragile thing. She’s no size 0 herself… honestly the biggest woman I’ve been with to date… yet HER weight was NEVER an issue for me. I wanted the woman… WHO CARES ABOUT WEIGHT? Maybe her size was an issue for her? I don’t know… *shrugs* it’s irrelevant now though.
Stuff like this messes with your mental… I’m not one for coulda, woulda, shoulda… it just.. ‘is what it is’. It feels like the ones you trust the most… the ones you love the most… and the ones you would do anything to make happy… are usually the ones who end up f*cking you over. I’m still on my weight loss journey. Still working out like a beast and eating right. I don’t think people realize the permanent marks they leave on a person’s spirit. The long term, far reaching impact their actions have on a person’s life… the paths they choose to take and the person they’ll ultimatly become BECAUSE of the things you said or did. I’m beautiful.
I’m BEAUTIFUL… and I’m fat.
Being a woman… body image can wreak havoc on the psyche. You want your lovers to think you are awesome and amazing and desirable. You want to inspire… passion and lusty thoughts in them. You don’t want to hear “It was a problem for me. For ME… it’s my problem not yours, I was attracted to you, I tried… I enjoyed you… rolls and all… I just can’t do it.” How does one respond to that? She’s entitled to her opinion… she’s entitled to her preferences… she’s entitled to want and feel and admire and be passionate about whatever it is she wants out of life… but setting fire to another person’s sense of self-worth even involuntarily… is no bueno.
I freely admit I had to drag all of this out of her… I felt I had to… since it was the culmination of a couple of months’ worth of side comments and then blatant indifference. I want her to be happy… so I forgive her. That forgiveness doesn’t make the experience any less damaging. In the end I walk away and acknowledge that while she gave it the ‘old college try’… there are hundreds who DON’T… and thousands who WON’T.
She’s fat… NEXT!
How many times? How many opportunities skipped right by me… work, adventures, love?
She’s FAT! NEXT!
How many times has this issue… this major issue… been the deciding factor for someone/something?
SHE’S FAT!!!! NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!
*shrugs* I’m not beaten by it… just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson.
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this you HAVE TO develop a thicker skin. It is made apparent to you DAILY… until you can pack your bags and get the fuck out… that YOU as a PERSON will never be good enough AS YOU ARE.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
What’s the point of giving love and affection… if it’s ultimately being weighed against YOUR WEIGHT? What’s the point of treating people well… if all you are ultimately being judged on is HOW YOU LOOK? SMH… it just seems like the ones who give respect to those they care for… just don’t get it back… but then… how could I expect an unconditioned acceptance from any LOVER… when I can’t get it from my own MOTHER?
Again… I’m just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson. I’m trying very hard not to view people as disposable as they obviously view me… *shrugs* its a work in progress. The weight I can lose and I’m working on it. However the experience has changed me… I can’t quite put my finger on what the difference is… but there is definitely a difference.
I’m not bitter, or angry, or holding a grudge ‘hey… you like what you like’ right? She’s an awesome and amazing person and she’s taught me alot about myself and my capacity to love. I want nothing but happiness for her in all things. However I believe falling for someone who could view my value to them… THIS way… says more about me… (something very WRONG with ME) than it does about her (and whatever her problem happens to be). Yet another thing for me to think about.
Something like this changes you… it would shatter most. It rocks your belief that you are loved for WHO you are as a person. I believe I’m a beautiful spirit because of… and despite of… my big ol azz… someone just as deserving of respect, loyalty and love as the last bitch. The heart wants what it wants though… * sigh*… right now… my heart just wants a vacation.
SMH… I’m not the same as I was before… and I don’t know what that means yet…
– Nova
The Forgotten…
Someone asked the question “Do you fear being forgotten” to which I answered: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.
So now I’m thinking to myself, “Self… what kind of attitude is that? Everyone wants to be remembered.” I don’t know… if I do something to make a person or their life better… listen when they need it most… feed them when they’re hungry… I’m doing it because I wanted to… because they should HAVE better… should DO better… should BE better… because they deserve it… because I love them. There is never an expectation for ANYTHING in return. I’ll listen, talk, taste, hug, pass funds, squeeze, advise, rant, laugh, joke, cry and fight with my loved ones whenever they need it… simply because they need it. Concepts like ‘thank you’ and ‘you did this for me’ are foreign to me. I don’t need those things… I just need MY people in MY life.
Should be simple… RIGHT.
I’m going to see my uncle in Boston… cancer is back on the scene… slow… progressive and frightening. There are things that need to be addressed with Mom… regarding her health… smh life as we know it is about to change.
Interestingly enough there are a select few ‘I WISH…’ would forget me. Even worse are the ones; ‘I WISH…’ I’d never met to begin with. Yes, yes… that would be YOU… you low life thieving bitch (stay off my page… and go choke to death on a dirty dick).
It get’s to be overwhelming at times; Family problems, friend problems, lover problems, ex- lover problems, co worker problems, stranger on the street problems etc. Yesterday I had a ‘scare’ (is that what you would call it? *shrugs*). On my way home I stood on the edge of a crowded subway platform… (the usual routine) when the headlights of the oncoming train could be seen maybe from the next station… this kid (maybe 15 or 16) takes off running in the middle of the crowd. Considering I work on Madison Ave with all of the foo foo corporate execs you could monitor the progress of this kid in the crowd (looked like the parting of the Red Sea); a black boy in the usual uniform of Timbs, Jeans, Hoodie, Bubble vest. I don’t even know what he was running for but as the train starts pulling into to station I realize he’s heading right for me. As in FOR ME… not TOWARD ME.
So I shift to move out of his way… and shift right into the man standing directly behind me… directly behind as in ON MY AZZ. SMH the whole thing turned into one of those movie moments… the ones where everything slows down… and then shifts into high speed in brighter focus. When he reaches me… and we are eye to eye naturally he stumbles on someone’s shoe, foot, bag, (who the hell knows) and pitches to the left (right toward the train tracks) and raises his hand to steady himself… grabbing my scarf (around my neck at the time in case I didn’t mention it)… and of course his momentum started dragging my body with him TOWARD the TRACKS.
In that instant I had 4 very clear thoughts:
“Is he DRAGGING me with him onto the tracks!?”
“F*ck Outta Here… this is not gonna be some Lifetime Movie special moment… “
“He’s so young…”
“Stay off of platforms…”
Altogether I’ve lived in NYC for more years than I can count… I’ve never had an experience such as this one. I grabbed his wrist, he grabbed my wrist and we looked at each other… smh he was so young… pretty… fresh faced… with the GREENEST eyes I’ve ever seen and just as he was about to fall into the tracks… with an ‘M’ train barreling into the station they guy behind me grabbed my waist and pulled me (and this man child) backward… AWAY from the tracks and oncoming train… and as I steadied myself and started to thank the dude behind me this boy stops long enough to catch his breath right before the train doors open… he looks up at me and says “You are BEAUTIFUL!” then takes off running again. In the chaos of folks getting off the train, folks getting on I lost sight of him.
Now my mama says everything happens for a reason… and we picked this thing apart. He wasn’t running toward me… and he was obviously running from SOMETHING or SOMEONE. Almost gets us both splattered… WTF is that? This kid almost gets himself killed (and probably me along with him) no apology… nothing… just ‘you’re beautiful’ does he not like his life?
Anyway… my point is I always SAY tomorrow is not promised. I always TRY to do the right thing by everyone else. The Devil on my shoulder is whispering things like:
“F*ck everbody else, make yourself happy.”
“You’re still young.”
“Just TRY being a b*tch for a while… you might just like it.”
“This self-assigned role of ‘being there’ for everybody? Take some time off. Let them fend for themselves… YOU have to.”
And do you know what? I think I have to. I’m not turning into a b*tch (because really what’s the point) but I do think I need to take some time off… time off from my life and from the people in it. Family, friends, lovers, ex- lovers, co workers, strangers on the street? Right now… I want nothing to do with any of it. I think I need a reboot… recharge my batteries… because folks are still bringing me their sh*t to fix… and right now… I’ve got nothin.
My personal mantra remains the same: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”. Later… this will have to be LATER. Right now? I’m shutting off.
– Nova
So it’s Valentines Day?
How about…..
You take the time to tell her… you LOVE her ANYTIME…
ALL THE TIME?
How about…
You wrap your arms (and in my case legs) around her and let her know she rocks your world EVERY DAY, even when she gets on your nerves…
ESPECIALLY when she gets on your nerves?
How about…
You FORGIVE her… even when it still hurts…
ESPECIALLY when it still hurts?
How about…
You let her know you miss her WHENEVER she’s gone…
ESPECIALLY WHEN she’s gone?
How about…
You let her know you BELONG to her… EVERY TIME you say Good Morning…
EVERY TIME you say Good Night?
IDGAF about Valentines Day.
If my love was matched?
I’d let her know my heart calls her name with EVERY BEAT…
WITH EVERY BEAT.
– Nova
Heartbreak aint easy…
That first moment upon waking when your heartbreak slams into you so hard it catches your breath. N the next one… where you exhale as you realize that yes the ache still runs deep… But not as much as yesterday.
*sigh*
– Nova
The Sex Factor…
Live free… Live hard…
Multiple partners… Girlfriend… Threesome… Orgy… Maybe a train…
Live in the pussy… Saturate in its essence… Rub it on your face…
Clit… Tongue… Fingers… Toys… Boys… Girls…
Love… Lust… Passion… Deception…
Pain… Hot… Wet… Squirt… Cum… Orgasm…
Live free… have sex… lot’s of sex… sex with her… her… him… and her…
Live hard… living my life… doing me… doing everything I want to do…
Multiple partners… laying down… standing up… sitting… or maybe… I’ll just watch…
Girlfriend… boyfriend… friend friend… and yes… friend with benefits…
Threesome… foursome… maybe five… three on three… shit… let’s make it a party…
Orgy… I’ll take you there… she took me there… we… have been EVERY…. WHERE…
Maybe a train… I’ve done them before… she likes them… craves them… and why not…
Live in the pussy… it’s the cradle of life after all… the beginning… the end…
Saturate in its essence… it consumes me… my whole life… no need to think… no need to feel…
Rub it on my face… her juices… his juices… my juices… our juices…
Clit… hard little nub… that hot button of joy… the secret… that every pussy lives to tell…
Tongue… lick it… rub it… stick it… flick it…
Fingers… touch it… stroke it… slide them in… deeper…and deeper…
Toys… sometimes… all the time… maybe never…
Boys… one for me… one for you… one for her… to each their own…
Girls… this one… that one… another one… and another one… shit why not EVERY… ONE…
Love… never had it… drove me crazy… never wanted it… don’t need it… can’t take it… don’t know what to do with it…
Lust… all day… every day… you want her… and him… and her… I want her… and her… and him… damn… can’t I just fuck EVERY… BODY…
Passion… what’s the difference… how about… I fuck you… and never let you touch my spirit…
Deception… I don’t lie… keep things 100… gave my heart to another… swallowed my pride… and let the next one stroke my ego…
Pain… It doesn’t hurt when she makes me feel good… or maybe… its because she hurts me… it feels so good…
Hot… It’s building up… deep inside of me… is this love… a mystery… lust… denial… or just boom… dynamite…
Wet… that sweet gush of her pussy… the taste of her kiss… her tears as they fall… but nah… I’m mostly all about that pussy…
Squirt… I made her do it… over and over again… makes me horny just thinking about it…
Cum… again… and again… and… again… damn… I’m having some sex… TONIGHT…
Orgasm… amazing… life changing… mind blowing… earth shaking… body clenching… shit… we don’t need to be connected…
Live free… Live hard…
Multiple partners… Girlfriend… Threesome… Orgy… Maybe a train…
Live in the pussy… Saturate in its essence… Rub it on your face…
Clit… Tongue… Fingers… Toys… Boys… Girls…
Love… Lust… Passion… Deception…
Pain… Hot… Wet… Squirt… Cum… Orgasm…
Sex is what I live for…
How many pussies can I lick…
How many dicks can I suck…
Gotta get my numbers up… the world will end if I fuck less than 10,000 b*tches in my lifetime…
I’m a Cassanova…
A Don Juan…
A Lover…
A Giver…
I fuck better than EVERY… BODY…
What is love…
I don’t care… if no one gives a fuck about me…
I need no Attachments…
It doesn’t matter…nothing is sacred when I touch… YOU…
I don’t care… I have no importance to give… YOU…
Who cares if the one I want is open to… Any… One…
It doesn’t matter if the one I want… is open to… Every… One…
This… is what I live for…
This is all that matters…
– Nova
Random acts of love…
Wednesday I heard two things…
Eye opening…
Life Changing…
Phenomenal…
First:
“To Love another person is to see the face of GOD.”
How amazing is that?
Second:
M: “Can we see each other again?”
Me: “Honestly?… I’m trying to work someone out of my system..”
M: “Real talk… if I was in your system… you wouldn’t be out here with someone else.”
Now THAT gave me some food for thought.
The Catch…
I found myself falling in love…
Too fast…
Too much…
Too soon…
I found myself thinking…
“Is She the one… I really want?”
“Is She strong enough… for me ?”
“Is She the one… I was made for?”
SMH…
I found myself falling in love…
Unexpected…
Unwanted…
Frustrating…
I had to acknowledge…
“I’m not ready… for this…”
“She’s not ready… for me…”
“We’re not ready… a product of circumstance and bad timing…”
I found myself falling in love…
Too fast…
Unexpected…
Too much…
Unwanted…
Too soon…
Frustrating…
Yesterday I caught myself…
Today I’d rather not fall at all… so I catch myself
Maybe I’ll fall… tomorrow?
Maybe not.
– Nova
