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Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days…
Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like
This world’s gone crazy
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn’t seem so hazy
Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress
But I just don’t know
And Grandpa, let’s wander back into the past
And paint me the picture
Of long ago
Did lovers really fall in love TO STAY
And stand beside each other COME WHAT MAY?
Was a promise really something people kept…
Not just something they would say AND THEN FORGET?
Did families really BOW THEIR HEADS TO PRAY?
Did daddies really NEVER GO AWAY?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Words and Music by Jamie O’Hara
“One of my favorites. This says sooooo much smdh…” – Nova
Effect…
So yesterday was an 18 hour day… 7 of which was shooting for Tru Diva and Art of Curves. A loooong day. Running around doing make up, hair, getting styled, poked, primped, prodded, gushed over, felt up, propositioned, barked at… time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
As sick as I am (damned sinus infection) I was bouncing off the walls. Up since 5AM a little weary… but full of energy. I haven’t modeled in a couple of years… got caught up in the day job and the nonsense of everyday life *shrugs* it happens. Sense memory is a hell of a thing… around 2PM, when everyone was running around ‘HAIR’…. And getting frustrated ‘MAKEUP’… and shouting orders ‘THOSE AREN’T THE EARRINGS WE WANT! WHERE ARE THE EARRINGS’… I closed my eyes.
As I stood there standing perfectly still… arms out as one set of hands moved my hair this way… then that way, as another set of hands shifted the clothes this way… then that way, as yet another set of hands slid my 6 “ gold gladiator sandals from London onto my feet, as another set of hands draped chains across my body, as a buffer brush was used to polish the make up on my face. I listened to the numerous questions, grumblings, demands and statements around me and I was taken back to my very first photo shoot… 2004… 9 years ago… wow.
Back then I was curious… didn’t really know what to do… awkward… and EXCITED lol. In that moment yesterday I was taken back to that perfect memory… the sounds (the same)… the sights (the same)… the scents (the same)… the emotions (the same). It felt like I was home. A feeling I get when writing… when cooking… when surrounded by friends… when surrounded by family… when wrapped in my loves arms (smh she gives great hugs *sigh*)… when playing with Ely and Ivan… or when taking something apart, figuring out how it works and putting it back together again. I was HOME.
The day swept by fairly quickly… shooting for two different campaigns and updating my portfolio… we didn’t stop to eat… drink some water… wardrobe change… drink some ginger ale… makeup change… drink some more water… hair style change… drink some more ginger ale… set change. Time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
When I laid down on a bed of fur for the last set of shots… I’m relieved… we are almost done. TIME CHECK! 4:02 PM… the photographer hands me his camera as I’m sitting on the ground (on that awesome bed of fur lol) and I go through the days frames… Some are good… Some are great… some are awful lol and some are amazing… it’s the most perfect moment of the day… I’m filled with satisfaction (we got the job done)… with peace… (I made it through the day without falling over lol)… and with the overwhelming urge to call her (a need to share this perfect moment with her).
Of all the people in my life to think of… to call… to want to reach out to… smh I think of her. WTF… and as usual I’m filled with an overwhelming sadness (I miss her) and my eyes tear up.. “That’s a wrap PEOPLE!!” someone shouts and we all break out into smiles, whooping and applause. “FOOD!” I hear from the back of the studio as I hand the photographer back the camera and rise from that awesome bed of fur. A bittersweet end to an awesome day… because I can’t call her. I can’t share these moments with her. I can’t NEED her anymore… not to listen… not to be there… not to help… not to share my problems or important events in my life. No… I need to heal… to grow and to be at peace with myself, with her and with my role in my heartbreak. Maybe we can talk tomorrow… or the day after. She’ll always own a private corner in my heart… and my spirit will remain restless until the day I can reach out… I accept that maybe she’ll be receptive and maybe she wont *sigh*. All I know is I need to be a better person for myself and a better friend for her. I’m just not there yet (some insane compulsion to hug her close and kiss her face smh… I’ll get over it lol).
My friends Erin, Craig, Blacque and Nadiyah were there for me. Erin helping when requested and getting kicked off the set throughout the day lol “You are SEXY! I can’t be responsible for my actions when we get home tonight!” and “OOOOH you make loooooove to the camera! Go head mama!” SMH a mess lol. Craig running around upon request… Blacque in charge of set design… the pictures… and concepts… and Nadiyah working with the styling. I stood there… in my bra and boy shorts… looking out at everyone in the midst of packing up the days chaos and I was filled with a sense of peace. There is LOVE in this room.
And I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks… closed my eyes and thanked God for the gifts in my life. I have the most amazing people in my life and I am twice blessed, thrice blessed (hmm how do you say 4 times blessed?) lol because everyone I’ve loved… friends, family, lovers… has been a wild assortment of the most exceptional people I’ve ever met. My heart may make take foolish risks… but never foolish choices. Every joy… every pain… every smile… every tear… has brought me to this moment. They’ve all made me better and they’ve made me stronger. There are moments of crystal clarity in every person’s life … defining moments. Dark days are coming for my family… and I’m going to need all the strength I can get. So yes… I love my loves… all of them… and having been blessed with them as my touch stones… YES… I’m thankful.
Next stop… the runway! SMH Oh how I hate runway lol… but I’ll make it work ;-). Now… If I can just manage to figure out how NOT to make myself sick when miserable or stressed I’ll be perfect. Hmmm… now where are those antibiotics lol? :-*
– Nova
The Scale…
This morning I woke up lighter than air… relieved… released… and all things fell into place. I had a hard weekend… starting on Friday morning bright and early when I received an email from an ex. Not just any ex but the most recent. She had a lot to say, beginning with expressing concern for the things going on with me and my family… ending with her letting me know she read my ‘SHE’S FAT’ blog and questioning whether or not I love myself and pointing out I make clear and wrong choices regarding the people I choose to date. I cried over this letter… it was heartfelt, painful to read, made some valid points and had parts that were just soooo wrong.
You cannot control the perception people have of you and you can’t dictate how they’ll HEAR something you say, the meaning they take from your words. Ideas can be shared… it doesn’t mean the inspiration behind them can be identified and understood.
Despite the fact that I’m open and receptive to whatever comes, I take people at face value and I take their word on faith that they are not liars; the outcome is not always a positive one. Even though the experience may have been awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that EVERYONE I’ve dated has been a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.
The Ex in question I loved and I will always love. Was she the love of my life? No (at least not at the time). Could she be? Who knows? The point is we ARGUED… ALOT… almost DAILY, about everything and nothing. She brought out the worst in me in a way I can’t even put my finger on. Yet I have love for her. So does that just go away because things didn’t work out? Does that go away because we rarely see eye to eye on anything? I had a lengthy convo with this same EX and somehow it turned into an argument (or maybe debate, depending on your perspective). She doesn’t want me to become bitter or cynical and she let me know in no uncertain terms what her opinion is of my most recent experience.
“If you love someone you don’t hurt them. That girl has no love for you. She never cared about you. She was kicking game for 3 months… I know… I’ve done it. Getting to know you was just to f*ck, she never had any intention to be serious. I know… I’ve done it. She was kicking game to the next one…and is probably kicking game to a new one now… I know I’ve done it. So what… if even though you are not what she wants… she says you are important to her? She’s just spitting more game, I know… I’ve done it. So what… if she sent you something she says is personal… something she claims is meaningful to her? She’s probably lying… people lie about stuff like that all the time.”
SMH… but don’t be cynical or bitter? If I think like this I’ll BECOME cynical and bitter. Loved ones hurt each other EVERY DAY… friends… family… lovers, but the ‘hurt’ part does not negate the ‘love’ part. I don’t know… I think my concept of love is different. I believe understanding is love… so I try to understand my loved ones… even when nothing makes sense. I love so I accept people for who they are… even when they show me their ugly side. I love so I forgive… even if it still hurts. Love has no expectations… love has no requirements… love has no conditions…people do.
It’s been said ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. I’ve tried to live and be fearless in this area of my life. I’ve had bad moments, I’ve been hurt, used, abused, neglected, forgotten, disrespected and labeled irrelevant and disposable… and still I love. ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. Family has hurts me, friends have hurt me and lovers have hurt me… and still I love. I can reflect back on the time I spent with people and smile at the memory of the good times, and sigh at the memory of the bad ones and still I love. You were too young for me and the distance was unbearable… but I still love. Argue… argue… argue, never agree on anything… but I still love. I treated you well, we were supposed to be friends and you stole my sh*t… but I still love. I gave you love, respect and loyalty in all areas but you not only loved another… my azz was too big for you… but I still love.
People go back and forth on the distinction of ’being IN love’ and ‘loving’ someone. They fail to realize it all comes from the same pool. Loving friends and family just IS… or is supposed to be. We get to know them as people and we may not LIKE them so much… but we love them. Lovers run a parallel course… and due to the fact that most people have no self-respect, give no respect and treat each other like crap… people need to ‘fall in love’ which in 2013 has become another way to say;
“Earn it.”
“What can you do to deserve it?”
SMH… we’ve turned the most natural thing in the world (loving another person) into one long, exhausting and painful job interview.
Life is all about balance…
Bitter… Sweet…
Good… Evil…
Right… Wrong…
Black… White…
Chaos… Peace…
Love… Apathy…
Hate… Apathy…
Love is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; fondness and affection just to start. The only possible opposite is the complete lack of emotion. Hate is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; dislike and loathing just to start. It’s funny how people assume the opposite of Love is Hate. For me to stop loving you I’d have to feel nothing. I’m not sure what wave length the rest of the world is operating on… but I can’t switch my emotions of and on… like so many do.
I woke up this morning and my spirit was at peace. I am loved. Maybe not always the way I want… maybe not always the way I need but I am loved. I’m thankful for my most recent experience. She taught me to love another person despite themselves. She taught me to put in every last bit of effort in me to try to help her FEEL better… to try to help her DO better and to try to help her LET GO of past situations that made her miserable. I’ve never fought so hard for another person, desperately wanting (despite everything) for them to just BE SAFE and to just BE HAPPY at the end of the day. I offered her the world (or at least mine) and she didn’t want it. I gave her everything that was in me to give… and she gave me nothing, (insert smile here) and still I love. She made me a better person.
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t enjoy pain, and I don’t enjoy having my heart put in a meat grinder. It is a bitter pill to swallow when the one you love best… doesn’t feel the same way. It’s the most painful thing in the world when that person has no respect for you and could care less when they hurt you. It’s crippling when they move on as though nothing happened… and your heart in the meat grinder is of no consequence to them… but they are lessons in life. I’m not bitter, or jaded, or even angry. I loved and it didn’t work… but I loved. How many people go their whole lives without ever feeling even the smallest little bit of what I felt for this person? I’m thankful for the experience and blessed to know I have that kind of capacity to love another person that much.
Life is all about balance…
Bitter… Sweet…
Good… Evil…
Right… Wrong…
Black… White…
Chaos… Peace…
Love… Apathy…
Hate… Apathy…
This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;
For all of the joy she gave me…
For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…
For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…
She also gave these things in equal measure…
Disregard… Disrespect… Disloyalty… No Love…and worse… I was disposable… *sigh*
Boy does that suck… it also doesn’t change the things she GAVE me.
Do I think she makes mistakes? Of course.
Do I think she has some major issues with herself? Of course.
Do I think she has f*cked up priorities? Of course.
Do I think she’s self absorbed? Of course.
Do I think she’s numb to the world? Of course.
Do I think she sabotages herself? Of course.
Do I think she believes I’m not up to her standards? Of course.
Do I think she values the wrong things? Of course.
Do I think I deserve better than her? Of course.
But…
This is just my personal truth. I guarantee you her version is different Part of love is acceptance, and I accept her flaws and all. I make mistakes… I have issues… I’ve had f*cked up priorities… I can be self absorbed… I want to be numb… I have sabotaged myself… I have standards… I’ve valued the wrong things… and SHE deserves better than ME.
*sigh* We are only human.
It’s the person who brings you peace in your most chaotic moments… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you laugh even while you’re crying… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you a priority no matter what… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who makes you WANT to be BETTER for YOURSELF… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who WANTS to be BETTER for YOU… that you are meant to be with.
It’s the person who thinks you are the most beautiful, amazing creation… (God’s Gift… TO THEM) that you are meant to be with.
She was all of this for ME… sadly… I just wasn’t any of that for her. Now I ask you… if I love this person… and I believe I deserve all of these things… how can I possibly believe that she doesn’t?
So no… I don’t condone her behavior. While I respect her choices, I have no respect for her justifications for them… and oooooooh… I hate her, I really really do hate her (just a little bit) because SHE HURT ME… (hey I’m only human right? *shrugs*) and still I love.
Even though the experience was awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that she was a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.
This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;
For all of the joy she gave me…
For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…
For all of the ways she made me feel SAFE…
For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…
She also gave me wicked painful stuff… in equal and exhausting measure….
But it doesn’t hurt as much… when I remember THAT PART.
I’m a better woman DESPITE her and I’m a better woman BECAUSE of her.
She’s moved on… and I’ve let her go… but the way she taught me HOW to love? THAT? No… I’ll never let that go.
– Nova
*sigh* and there’s MORE?
So last month I found out my Uncle’s cancer is back… Instead of his colen this time its in his lungs. I’m making my way to see him hopefully this weekend.
So today I find out my mom may have early signs of Altzheimers smh… What do you do with that intel? I’m making arrangements to take her to get checked out myself… Considering my sister has not felt the need to keep me in the loop for some time now.
I need to get the fuck out of Jersey… Most everyone I care about is elsewhere…. so I need to be elsewhere… and ohhh am I learning the art of smoking myself numb… it actually works *shrugs*. Who knew? Lol
Life as we know it is about to change. *shrugs* Lord help me.
Yesterday’s Love…
You can’t go back… I knew that… but I had to FEEL it.
People change every day and their perception of you changes right along with them.
I can wrap myself in Yesterday’s love… but she isn’t IN love with me TODAY…
I can wrap her in Yesterday’s love… I’m not IN love with her TODAY…
It’s the knowing that makes the difference. She knows… and now so do I.
Yesterday will stay exactly that. Today… healing. Tomorrow? I don’t know yet.
For E (I’ll love you always… even when I shouldn’t)
– Nova
She’s FAT!
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose some weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this one you develop a thicker skin EARLY.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
SMH some develop serious body image issues… oh no…not me… I just developed a mental block. I was fat… but I was fine. My yearly physicals were always great, my quality of life wasn’t hindered blah blah blah… no real incentive to CHANGE anything.
September 2012 THAT changed.
My doctor happily reported SEVERAL different problems directly related to my having a fat azz. So I took a month to decide what I wanted to do. In October I started forming a plan to change my life… I am going to lose weight. My doctor’s goal… 100 lbs (which to me sounded unrealistic at the time). You have to take into consideration I was the HEAVIEST I’ve ever been n she wanted me to lose 100lbs? My big booty was never a hindrance to anything other than Gym class growing up. I was fully developed and shaped like a 25 year old by the time I was 13. I hated running because of all of the bouncing involved…but I hated JUMPING more…needless to say if it didn’t involve swimming or riding my bike? I was not interested.
100lbs… I had to really sit myself down and wrap my head around this number. Could I do it? (No Way). Should I do it? (Most definitely) So I started the process.
Going over my dating history I knew the extra pounds were a deterrent for some. A big ol azz is not necessarily a PREFERENCE, but… do I want those people in my life anyway? Growing up I was pretty much left to my own devices… no one monitored my eating habits. When the weight was officially out of hand I was badgered daily with the warm and fuzzy sentiments above. People still found me attractive (male and female)… and I believe I was 23 the very FIRST time someone used my weight to be insulting (to my face anyway). I learned early that I had to see and appreciate MY beauty (rolls and all) because the rest of the world probably wouldn’t.
So I started the process… I’ve even set a personal goal of 129lbs… I’m working on it… 35lbs down as of last week… and in the midst of coming to terms with the extra pounds I’ve been dragging around all these years I hear from a person that inspires LOVE in ME…”You are beautiful… you are amazing… you are everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman… but I could never be with you because of the weight. I found you attractive… I tried it… I’m not shallow… it’s just a preference. I love you… you’re an amazing person… but I can’t do it. Honestly? 100lbs is not enough for me… 129lbs would probably still not be enough.”
*sigh* We teach our daughters that ‘Happily Ever After’ exists… Little girls are spoon fed ‘Love Conquers All’ practically from the womb… What do you do to prepare a woman for something like that? It’s body fat… not the end of the world. So a woman that believes her pussy is mass transit ‘everybody get’s a ride’ can inspire a deep abiding love? A woman that repeatedly disrespects you… can inspire an urge to COMMIT yourself to her… even though she’s made it clear… that you inspire no such urge in her? A woman that sabotages you… whenever she sees you making any form of progress that does not involve her… that woman? She’s the object of your devotion? The source for your affection? Oh wait… she’s not fat. OK.
When the truth was finally starting to come out I flipped out. A lover… someone I loved… someone whose opinion actually MATTERED to me… found me repulsive… because of this weight. Weight I had already decided to get rid of… weight I was actively shedding. How ironic is that? Frustrating… *sigh* ironic nonetheless. I still love her… I hate her guts (a small part of me probably always will) but she’s a good person, deserving of all of those things she wants in her life… including a size 0 bed buddy… so I’ll get it over it.
I keep this sign above my monitor at work “Lord Help Me the Devil wants me FAT!” and I think it would be soooo easy to fall into old patterns, but I won’t… because I started losing the weight for myself… not for her. I don’t think getting on the scale will ever be the same. Something that wasn’t torn before is in shreds in the background and while I forgive HER (for her foolishness) I’ll never forgive that. A person’s sense of self-worth is a deceptively fragile thing. She’s no size 0 herself… honestly the biggest woman I’ve been with to date… yet HER weight was NEVER an issue for me. I wanted the woman… WHO CARES ABOUT WEIGHT? Maybe her size was an issue for her? I don’t know… *shrugs* it’s irrelevant now though.
Stuff like this messes with your mental… I’m not one for coulda, woulda, shoulda… it just.. ‘is what it is’. It feels like the ones you trust the most… the ones you love the most… and the ones you would do anything to make happy… are usually the ones who end up f*cking you over. I’m still on my weight loss journey. Still working out like a beast and eating right. I don’t think people realize the permanent marks they leave on a person’s spirit. The long term, far reaching impact their actions have on a person’s life… the paths they choose to take and the person they’ll ultimatly become BECAUSE of the things you said or did. I’m beautiful.
I’m BEAUTIFUL… and I’m fat.
Being a woman… body image can wreak havoc on the psyche. You want your lovers to think you are awesome and amazing and desirable. You want to inspire… passion and lusty thoughts in them. You don’t want to hear “It was a problem for me. For ME… it’s my problem not yours, I was attracted to you, I tried… I enjoyed you… rolls and all… I just can’t do it.” How does one respond to that? She’s entitled to her opinion… she’s entitled to her preferences… she’s entitled to want and feel and admire and be passionate about whatever it is she wants out of life… but setting fire to another person’s sense of self-worth even involuntarily… is no bueno.
I freely admit I had to drag all of this out of her… I felt I had to… since it was the culmination of a couple of months’ worth of side comments and then blatant indifference. I want her to be happy… so I forgive her. That forgiveness doesn’t make the experience any less damaging. In the end I walk away and acknowledge that while she gave it the ‘old college try’… there are hundreds who DON’T… and thousands who WON’T.
She’s fat… NEXT!
How many times? How many opportunities skipped right by me… work, adventures, love?
She’s FAT! NEXT!
How many times has this issue… this major issue… been the deciding factor for someone/something?
SHE’S FAT!!!! NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!
*shrugs* I’m not beaten by it… just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson.
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this you HAVE TO develop a thicker skin. It is made apparent to you DAILY… until you can pack your bags and get the fuck out… that YOU as a PERSON will never be good enough AS YOU ARE.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
What’s the point of giving love and affection… if it’s ultimately being weighed against YOUR WEIGHT? What’s the point of treating people well… if all you are ultimately being judged on is HOW YOU LOOK? SMH… it just seems like the ones who give respect to those they care for… just don’t get it back… but then… how could I expect an unconditioned acceptance from any LOVER… when I can’t get it from my own MOTHER?
Again… I’m just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson. I’m trying very hard not to view people as disposable as they obviously view me… *shrugs* its a work in progress. The weight I can lose and I’m working on it. However the experience has changed me… I can’t quite put my finger on what the difference is… but there is definitely a difference.
I’m not bitter, or angry, or holding a grudge ‘hey… you like what you like’ right? She’s an awesome and amazing person and she’s taught me alot about myself and my capacity to love. I want nothing but happiness for her in all things. However I believe falling for someone who could view my value to them… THIS way… says more about me… (something very WRONG with ME) than it does about her (and whatever her problem happens to be). Yet another thing for me to think about.
Something like this changes you… it would shatter most. It rocks your belief that you are loved for WHO you are as a person. I believe I’m a beautiful spirit because of… and despite of… my big ol azz… someone just as deserving of respect, loyalty and love as the last bitch. The heart wants what it wants though… * sigh*… right now… my heart just wants a vacation.
SMH… I’m not the same as I was before… and I don’t know what that means yet…
– Nova
The Forgotten…
Someone asked the question “Do you fear being forgotten” to which I answered: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.
So now I’m thinking to myself, “Self… what kind of attitude is that? Everyone wants to be remembered.” I don’t know… if I do something to make a person or their life better… listen when they need it most… feed them when they’re hungry… I’m doing it because I wanted to… because they should HAVE better… should DO better… should BE better… because they deserve it… because I love them. There is never an expectation for ANYTHING in return. I’ll listen, talk, taste, hug, pass funds, squeeze, advise, rant, laugh, joke, cry and fight with my loved ones whenever they need it… simply because they need it. Concepts like ‘thank you’ and ‘you did this for me’ are foreign to me. I don’t need those things… I just need MY people in MY life.
Should be simple… RIGHT.
I’m going to see my uncle in Boston… cancer is back on the scene… slow… progressive and frightening. There are things that need to be addressed with Mom… regarding her health… smh life as we know it is about to change.
Interestingly enough there are a select few ‘I WISH…’ would forget me. Even worse are the ones; ‘I WISH…’ I’d never met to begin with. Yes, yes… that would be YOU… you low life thieving bitch (stay off my page… and go choke to death on a dirty dick).
It get’s to be overwhelming at times; Family problems, friend problems, lover problems, ex- lover problems, co worker problems, stranger on the street problems etc. Yesterday I had a ‘scare’ (is that what you would call it? *shrugs*). On my way home I stood on the edge of a crowded subway platform… (the usual routine) when the headlights of the oncoming train could be seen maybe from the next station… this kid (maybe 15 or 16) takes off running in the middle of the crowd. Considering I work on Madison Ave with all of the foo foo corporate execs you could monitor the progress of this kid in the crowd (looked like the parting of the Red Sea); a black boy in the usual uniform of Timbs, Jeans, Hoodie, Bubble vest. I don’t even know what he was running for but as the train starts pulling into to station I realize he’s heading right for me. As in FOR ME… not TOWARD ME.
So I shift to move out of his way… and shift right into the man standing directly behind me… directly behind as in ON MY AZZ. SMH the whole thing turned into one of those movie moments… the ones where everything slows down… and then shifts into high speed in brighter focus. When he reaches me… and we are eye to eye naturally he stumbles on someone’s shoe, foot, bag, (who the hell knows) and pitches to the left (right toward the train tracks) and raises his hand to steady himself… grabbing my scarf (around my neck at the time in case I didn’t mention it)… and of course his momentum started dragging my body with him TOWARD the TRACKS.
In that instant I had 4 very clear thoughts:
“Is he DRAGGING me with him onto the tracks!?”
“F*ck Outta Here… this is not gonna be some Lifetime Movie special moment… “
“He’s so young…”
“Stay off of platforms…”
Altogether I’ve lived in NYC for more years than I can count… I’ve never had an experience such as this one. I grabbed his wrist, he grabbed my wrist and we looked at each other… smh he was so young… pretty… fresh faced… with the GREENEST eyes I’ve ever seen and just as he was about to fall into the tracks… with an ‘M’ train barreling into the station they guy behind me grabbed my waist and pulled me (and this man child) backward… AWAY from the tracks and oncoming train… and as I steadied myself and started to thank the dude behind me this boy stops long enough to catch his breath right before the train doors open… he looks up at me and says “You are BEAUTIFUL!” then takes off running again. In the chaos of folks getting off the train, folks getting on I lost sight of him.
Now my mama says everything happens for a reason… and we picked this thing apart. He wasn’t running toward me… and he was obviously running from SOMETHING or SOMEONE. Almost gets us both splattered… WTF is that? This kid almost gets himself killed (and probably me along with him) no apology… nothing… just ‘you’re beautiful’ does he not like his life?
Anyway… my point is I always SAY tomorrow is not promised. I always TRY to do the right thing by everyone else. The Devil on my shoulder is whispering things like:
“F*ck everbody else, make yourself happy.”
“You’re still young.”
“Just TRY being a b*tch for a while… you might just like it.”
“This self-assigned role of ‘being there’ for everybody? Take some time off. Let them fend for themselves… YOU have to.”
And do you know what? I think I have to. I’m not turning into a b*tch (because really what’s the point) but I do think I need to take some time off… time off from my life and from the people in it. Family, friends, lovers, ex- lovers, co workers, strangers on the street? Right now… I want nothing to do with any of it. I think I need a reboot… recharge my batteries… because folks are still bringing me their sh*t to fix… and right now… I’ve got nothin.
My personal mantra remains the same: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”. Later… this will have to be LATER. Right now? I’m shutting off.
– Nova
So it’s Valentines Day?
How about…..
You take the time to tell her… you LOVE her ANYTIME…
ALL THE TIME?
How about…
You wrap your arms (and in my case legs) around her and let her know she rocks your world EVERY DAY, even when she gets on your nerves…
ESPECIALLY when she gets on your nerves?
How about…
You FORGIVE her… even when it still hurts…
ESPECIALLY when it still hurts?
How about…
You let her know you miss her WHENEVER she’s gone…
ESPECIALLY WHEN she’s gone?
How about…
You let her know you BELONG to her… EVERY TIME you say Good Morning…
EVERY TIME you say Good Night?
IDGAF about Valentines Day.
If my love was matched?
I’d let her know my heart calls her name with EVERY BEAT…
WITH EVERY BEAT.
– Nova
